"Woman" - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, may vary from 40 to 200 Kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1.   Surface usually covered with painted film.
2.   Boils at various temperatures, freezes without any known reason.
3.   Melts if given special treatment.
4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.   Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1.   Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1.   Mainly ornamental.
2.   Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3.   Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS
1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state.
2.   Turns green when placed beside better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARDS
1.   Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
2.   Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained in different locations as long as specimens do come into direct contact with each other.